Dear Mom, I Miss You

Dear Mom,

It has been one year today since I last saw your sweet face and hugged you tightly. You told me you were tired and were going home to rest. You looked weary as you had for weeks, I felt the approaching anniversary of Jeff’s passing weighing on you.

It was easier for me to think that, rather than believe your time was coming. You had been telling me that you were done here, that you were ready to go and be with dad and Jeff. You missed them so much your heart ached. It was easier for me to think that your indomitable spirit would buoy you through your grief…again.

These last 12 months have brought so much change. Your house was purchased by a couple that lost their home in the fires.  I know you and dad would be pleased.

 We worked hard on it, to make it an honorable representation of the love our family shared for the 44 years you lived there. I know you would be pleased with how beautiful the yard was for the new family.

I miss you.

I miss our in-depth conversations on anything and everything. I miss the wisdom you shared, and I especially I miss your beautiful sense of humor. I know you know I have wonderful friends who love me and took good care of me through the year, but there is no one that can fill the void of your absence.

This morning I was standing in the kitchen having my coffee, something we did a thousand times. Memories of party planning, problem solving, and giggling over our own silliness flooded my being and I suddenly felt so alone.

I miss your presence in my life and on earth. I trust you see what a powerful influence you were not only to your family, but to all the lives you touched. The memory of you scurrying around the kitchen during parties, when all we wanted was you - to sit, to visit, and to enjoy your company. I understand now you were fulfilling your heart’s desire to nourish others. The nourishment you provided to your family, extended family and friends far exceeds any food you cooked, and yes, I miss your cooking too.

You taught us the many ways we could show love, and you showed us by being a living example of one who shows up, one who understood on a deep level each of us were doing the best we could even if our behavior didn’t say so.

There are many times I look to the heavens and say,

“Did you see that mom?”

Wishing nothing more than to hear your voice say,

“I see it sweetie.”

I hear you in my words and feel your influence in my actions.

It is my hope you see now, you never needed to become anything more than who you were, and that your deepest desire to have everyone feel loved and accepted lives on through us all. The legacy of the life you lived is that of tenacity, faith, and grace.

I am forever grateful for your courage to speak your truth, follow your perfect path, and allow us all to do the same. I miss you more than words can say. I am so thankful that you are where you most wanted to be.

Thank you for teaching me about life, love, and faith.

 I am committed to living a life true to the powerful and fierce love you bestowed upon me.

Today is your first angel birthday, and you have always been an angel to me.

I love you with my whole heart and soul.

Forever and ever.